Let It Dry Once Its Dry Hit It Again Flex Seal Bucket
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Waterproofing My Life With FLEX Record - JonTron
[Text in parentheses = actions not spoken or displayed in text.]
[The episode starts off with Jon doing...something on a computer, only to accept his blood bag (which is nowadays for however unknown reasons) begin spilling onto the computer, causing it to short-circuit.]
Jon: Augh! I hate it when my figurer combusts considering my own blood for my claret bag is spilling on my computer! Ah! If only there was some way to fix this!
[A manus with noticeable black nails comes upwardly and sloppily slaps a piece of Flex Record onto the compromised blood bag, "fixing" information technology.]
Jon: Of grade! The solution was Flex Record!
[The mitt gives Flex Tape a thumbs up] [Cuts to Jon looking at the viewer]
Jon: Flex Tape. Okay you heard about this stuff? I mean this is basically have you heard of Jesus?!? Well even He couldn't practice as much as Flex Record, obviously. I had never heard of Flex Tape until I was in the pub, and out of the corner of my eye I happened to catch, uh, this infomercial most Flex Tape, so I'g gonna let Phil practise the talking for you, cuz I want y'all to- I want you to be a sold on Flex Record as I am. Disclaimer: I am not actually sponsored in any way past Flex Record, although I wish I was... [winks] Call me.
Flex Record
Jon: Alright I'm just gonna permit y'all enjoy this for yourself. Here nosotros become this is Flex Tape.
[Infomercial of Flex Tape plays with Phil Swift introducing the product to the viewers]
Phil Swift: Hello, Phil Swift here for Flex Tape, the super strong waterproof tape!
[Phil slaps the piece of Flex Tape over the hole of a water tank]
Phil: That can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair!
[A function of Nightwish - Ghost Beloved Score plays as the clip replays one time]
Tourettes Guy: OH SHIT!
[After another replay of the prune, it ends, going back to Jon]
Jon: You gotta love it. It's always a guy like Phil Swift, Johnny Starr. You never get some other guy coming out like "It's me, Josephi Krakowski with Flex Tape"!
Phil: Leaky pipes can crusade major damage, but Flex Tape grips on tight and bonds instantly. Plus, Flex Record'south powerful adhesive is and so strong...
[Phil puts a piece of Flex Tape underwater, repairing one of the leaks in some other water tank]
Phil: It even works underwater!
Jon: You however left the other one, Phil!
[The same clip shows again, this fourth dimension zooming into the tank, then to Phil himself]
Jon VO: You've done half a job and you got a full grin!
[Next clip shows a repaired auto driving through sprinkling water]
Phil: Flex Tape keeps its grip even in the toughest conditions!
Jon: That is not the toughest conditions. That looks like you're going through a car launder. Who'ya think you foolin'?
[Next clip plays, showing a branch falling onto the rooftop] [A startled Jon jumps backward.]
Phil: Big storms can-
Jon: Alright, THAT might be the toughest weather! You scared me! That wasn't fifty-fifty— does this have anything to exercise with Flex Tape? Are you alright, Phil?
[Other clips show the inside and outside of the pool, inside a boat, and an RV.]
Phil: Flex Tape is perfect for marine, campers, and RVs.
Jon: I dear on these commercials literally it's similar "you could just use this on annihilation! Ah, open heart surgery! [Cuts to video of an open heart surgery] Guys got an avenue going? [Cuts dorsum to Jon softly slamming the table] Flex Tape!"
Well honestly what they should do in these infomercials is simply tell you lot what it can't do- just tell you the iii or four things that Flex Tape can't fix— "a cleaved marriage! Fifty-fifty then, shown- shown to exist slightly more effective than placebo!"
[Clip shows Phil Swift lifting a xl-five pound barbel weight with i hand and a piece of Flex Tape secured to the side of the weight]
Phil: Flex Record is super strong!
[Cuts to Jon, surprised at what he saw]
Jon: Flex Tape ain't super strong, Phil! You're super potent!
[Cuts, returning to Phil lifting the barbel weight]
Phil: And once it'south on, information technology holds on tight!
Jon: I got a couple of pictures.. of Phil on... in my house on the wall. May or may not take Photoshopped his undies off... [Jon begins to grinning creepily] Might have may or may not have Photoshopped his wiener on... [Begins to express joy, then his face up turns into a slightly, serious tone.] I've done it though, actually, it's serious. Information technology'southward a problem.
[Cuts to Phil with a saw]
Phil: To show you lot the power of Flex Record, [The sound of the saw ensues, then it stops, followed by Phil pushing the perfectly symmetrical halves of the boat onto the flooring] I sawed this boat in one-half!
[Cuts back to Jon putting his right leg over his left knee]
Jon: Phil what does that have to do with tape? No okay- I want to- tell me how the fuck- what does that got to do with Flex Record?
Phil: I sawed this boat in half! And repaired it with merely Flex Tape!
Jon: You repaired it with ONLY Flex Tape. I'm sure you did.
[Clip then shows Phil riding on the repaired boat on the water]
Phil: YE DOGGIE!
Jon: And you lot're on the gunkhole! He's on the fucking gunkhole! I'k sorry. Does that say "12 inch wide Flex Tape used on both within and outside of the boat"? Oh, see, yous gotta make sure you utilize it both on the within and the exterior. In that location is no fucking style that the but thing they utilise to put that boat back together is Tape. I-I will eat my-I'll eat my fucking Flex Tape.
[Clip shows the catastrophe of the commercial]
Phil: Imagine everything yous can practise with the power of Flex Tape!
[Jon shows up with Flex Record in his mitt]
Jon: Alright, I got Flex Tape. For real, permit's see if this works.
[Jon turns on the sink in the bathroom]
Jon: Alright. I no longer want water.
[He puts a strip of Flex Tape on the sink'southward faucet, with some water leaking]
Jon:Oh, shit! Okay, moment of truth.
[He turns on the shower and puts a strip of Flex Record onto the faucet, again, with some h2o leaking]
Jon: Oh, jeez.
[Clip shows to Jon attempting to smother his cat.]
Jon: C'mere… c'mere now… plug upward those eyes that olfactory organ is STILL Animate!
[Finally, cuts to a clip showing pictures of two infamous leakers, Edward Snowden and Julien Assange. Jon uses the strip of Flex Tape on the pic, literally roofing information technology up.]
Jon: There nosotros go... all patched upwardly.
[Super Smash Bros Homerun Bat sound with Epic JOKE showing]
Flex Seal: Liquid
Jon: The adjacent 1 we have is Flex Seal... Flex Seal liquid allow's have a await at this. Oh great Phil, our Prometheus... what fire of knowledge do you bring us mortals today?
[The Flex Seal Liquid infomercial begins playing.]
Phil: Phil Swift here with Flex Seal — the like shooting fish in a barrel style to stop leaks fast!
[Photographic camera zooms in on the Flex Sealed colander and then cuts to Jon]
Jon: Information technology's a colander, Phil. It's supposed to, uh... have holes and leaks. What y'all've done is substantially y'all've made a basin.
Phil: The easy fashion to terminate leaks fast!
Jon: Phil! you brand me angry, Phil! [Jon kicks something and grabs a pan] Could've only grabbed one of these, Phil! Don't demand Flex Seal! Look at its curvature! The easy manner to have a bowl without creating one out of a colander!
[Cuts to Phil demonstrating that Flex Seal Liquid can be poured into cracks.]
Phil: And at present, in that location's Flex Seal Liquid, the super thick rubber that you can pour right in the cracks.
Jon: You could! Y'all could- pour information technology right into cracks. You could practice that, [philosophical voice] but why ? Why would you do that? Why would yous do whatsoever of that?
[Cuts to Phil dipping a wooden hammer's handle into a tube of Flex Seal Liquid]
Phil: Even dip all your tools, for a tough no-slip grip.
Jon: Even dip all your tools?! I can sympathise the other ii, like, at that place's some awarding, but how exercise yous get from like "you tin can cease water from going through cracks... weatherproof some of your outdoor materials.... dip your tools in this shit, I don't know!"
[Cuts to Jon with a drill which he claims is worthless in it's electric current state]
Jon: This production is worthless in it's current state. [Dips a drill into the bucket of Flex Seal Liquid.] Now that's good... merely go that right in there, just soak that right up. Now you could basically see that [spinning drill] this is- a 100% improved production, cheers Flex Seal.
[BUT Await!! At that place'Southward More!!] [Cuts to Jon with his glove off, belongings a bottle of alcohol.]
Jon: Grandpa been hit the sauce a lilliputian also much? Think he's a little too sometime for that? [dips the canteen's lid into the bucket, pulling it out.] Done. He ain't getting in there.
[GRANDPAS Hate HIM!!!, accompanied by the Super Mario 64 pain sound] [Finally, Jon shows upwardly wearing a glove belongings a fork.]
Jon: Broken item. [Dips the fork in the bucket, pulls it out.] Fixed.
[Photographic camera zooms in on the fork with money falling]
Phil: To show you the power of Flex Seal Liquid-
[Cuts to Jon]
Jon: Here it comes. Heeere it comes...
[Cuts back to Phil with an airboat made of screen]
Phil: We made this entire airboat and covered it in Flex Seal Liquid!
Jon: Another gunkhole? Are y'all serious?
[Cuts to Phil riding on another boat.]
Phil: After a twenty-four hour period on the water—
Jon: Aaaaand he's riding it again. Phil, yous did not just roll some Flex Seal on that and go out in fucking gator-infested waters. I know you didn't. Uh, disclaimer: multiple coats used. Yeh, we didn't merely, you know, slap some of that shit on and send it out.
Phil: And the inside is completely dry!
[Cuts to Jon mimicking what he thinks Phil would actually be like if this were actually the case.]
Jon: "I can scarcely believe this is working at all! I guarantee yous, in a infinitesimal or two, this whole operation's gonna come autonomously I'thou gonna fall the h2o I- I might become blind for life!"
Flex Seal: Extreme Bucket Demo
Jon: All right, we got one more here, we got the FLEX SEAL Extreme Bucket Demo. Anything with the words extreme and bucket— yous know information technology'south gonna exist good.
[Cuts to Phil wearing condom glasses and holding a knife, audio quality of the video gets a little louder this time.]
Phil: You may have seen a few people test Flex Seal—
Jon: Okay he's go- he's lost it. It's over.
Phil: HAHAHA... [begins to stab the lesser of the bucket with a knife.]
Jon: Phil I knew for the moment I saw y'all slapping tape on holes, you mighta had a- [points to temples] had a couple holes up hither! You lot needed some *slaps temples* Flex Tape for, you lot know I'm proverb... proceed the demons from getting out.
[As he stabs the lesser of the bucket with a knife, the blurb appears and reads "Don't Try This."] [Cuts to Jon]
Jon: Don't try- don't effort this. DON'T TRY THIS… [prune replays] It's not even a don't effort this at abode... merely "DON'T endeavour this." Phil, he's gone insane, he came in hither earlier with a pocketknife and a chainsaw. Please, help! [typing] Send help!
[Cuts to Phil stabbing the saucepan for the third fourth dimension]
Phil: That'south a lot of damage!
Jon: That's a LOTTA DAAA MIDGE!
[Cuts to Phil over again]
Phil: That's a lot of damage!
Jon: Information technology's not that much damage, actually, Phil… Information technology's not... c- could exist a lot worse.
Phil: How well-nigh a little more?
Jon: OH! he's goin' for the chainsaw.
Phil: AHAHAHA! [begins to destroy the bottom with a chainsaw and the blurb reappears, at present with the annex, "Seriously" in front of information technology.]
Jon: Seriously, Practise Not try- never try this! Phil has gone too far! He has sniffed too much Flex Mucilage, and at present all he can come across is Martians!
Phil: AHAHAHA! At present, THAT"Southward A LOT OF Harm! Allow's see if it'due south gonna leak! [attempts to fill the damaged bucket with water, and well and behold, it leaks.] Yep! Information technology leaks!
Jon: Yeah, it leaks. It leaks. Definitely leaks. Goin'... the water, is coming out the bottom, information technology'southward leaking. Leaks.
[Cuts to Phil spraying the within of the saucepan with Flex Seal.]
Phil: Alright, let'south seal it with Flex Seal. All y'all demand to do is just spray a nice, even coating.
Jon: All yous gotta do, but spray that round... squirt information technology round, get information technology nice and fifty-fifty… Before you lot know it,you lot have your bucket baaaaaack! that you destroyed you'll get thatbaaaaaack!
[Cuts to the blurb that reads "If Y'all Still Have A Leak, NO Trouble! But Add More than Coats.]
Phil: If you exam it and there's still a footling leak, yous may need to add a few more coats.
Jon: Later all that Flex Spray, human, you're gonna accept no bucket left!
[Cuts to a a skit of Jon playing a human who spent $356.87 on Flex Seal.]
Human being who spent $356.87 on Flex Seal: You know, friends or family unit would ask me, uh, you know, why didn't you just purchase a new saucepan, or not destroy the i yous had? You know, I'd simply plow 'em and say… speaks for itself done'it? [struggles to lift the bucket full of solid Flex Seal] No replacement for that, I tell you what. [inappreciably manages to cascade a loving cup full of water into the bucket.] Expect at that, wait at that look at how information technology holds that water, it's just equally good every bit new! [struggles to selection upwards the saucepan.] I scarcely notice a difference!
[Cuts to Phil spraying the inside of the saucepan.]
Phil: In one case it's dry, striking information technology again. Merely give it time. Have patience.
Jon: Have patience, it'southward not a phenomenon product.SLAP ON THAT FLEX TAPE! It's not a fucking phenomenon! SLAP It ON WITH THE MIGHT OF ZEUS! What practise yous- just take some fucking patience?!
[Cuts to Phil]
Phil: Wow, we had to repair a lot of harm. Let'due south take a look.
Jon: Phil, you keep alluding to the- to the amount of harm y'all've done to the saucepan. I know you got a scrap of a Rambo complex, alright, I- Information technology's non that serious.
Phil: We'll look inside. Well, this is where the knife went through.
Jon: Oh, you're only gonna show that on live idiot box? You lot've got a full- full bucket autopsy hither! Have y'all thought of the family of the bucket? How are they gonna feel seeing that on the nightly news?
[Cuts to Jon threatening the saucepan with a knife.]
Jon: "Yeah, I bet yous wish you were a footling nicer to me now, huh? Used to telephone call me Eduardo- Squidwardo behind my dorsum you lot think I DIDN'T Discover, HUH? I'K GONNA GIVE You LOTS OF Harm!" I feel similar I could actually- actually impale myself this way past stabbing directly into my heart and then I'm gonna probably- I'm gonna stop, for real.
[Cuts to the shower faucet spraying water into the bucket.]
Phil: Wow. There's absolutely no leaks. It's completely dry.
Jon: Oh, look at that, the water's going in the bucket and it'southward existence a bucket.
Phil: Now, that'due south amazing. Cameraman, you checking this out?
[Cuts to Jon]
Jon: Cameraman, you see that? you lot meet-? Couple of turd stains and a jizz napkin in there? Never seen anything like it!
Phil: Y'all know, Flex Seal is an amazing product. If you make full all the cracks and holes and you permit it dry out completely, Flex Seal works.
Jon: If you practise the thing, and you do it right, and you don't fuck information technology up, it works!! It just works!!
[Cuts to Jon putting Flex Record on his butt]
Jon: Slap it on my butt. Go along that poo in for as long as you tin can! When it finally comes out, by golly, that's gonna experience like the all-time shit you've ever taken! This is Phil Swift with Flex Tape, I'grand a prostitute!
[Stops with a blurb below reading #1 Prostitute Approved, accompanied by the Call At present!!! blurb and a telephone number saying 1-800-BUTTPAL.]
Woman: Phone call for free anal consultation.
[Screen cuts to the credits]
Postal service-Credits
Jon:[covered in Flex Tape, pours water on himself] Just let me dice! [runs effectually the house.] Just permit me die! [runs into the bath] Permit me die in peace! [in the shower] I'm perfect! I'm too perfect! This is what happens when yous try to play GOD! AAAAAAAUUGH! [screen cuts to blackness]
Source: https://jontronshow.fandom.com/wiki/Waterproofing_My_Life_With_FLEX_TAPE/Transcript
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